Dear Payton

Written by Payton Burdette

Dear Payton,

Can I start listening to Christmas music or should I wait until 10 days before Christmas?

Dear person with unique question,

In all my days I have never heard of this. Some people say that you can begin listening to Christmas music on November 1st. Others think you should wait until the day after Thanksgiving. What you are proposing is very unusual. Just go ahead and start listening, however please do not listen to Drummer Boy by Justin Bieber.

Dear Payton,

What is the best Christmas movie?

Dear film lover,

The Santa Clause, starring Tim Allen (who’s character is called Scott Calvin), is an excellent movie. Not because of the writing, not because of the filming, and not because of the acting, but because of the plotline. In the movie, Santa Claus literally dies outside of Scott Calvins house. Scott then puts on the jacket of the recently deceased man, and suddenly becomes Santa Claus. Then, all the elves are just cool with the idea that Santa is dead. Therefore, it really seems like someone could just murder Santa Claus, put on his coat to become the new Santa, and none of the elves would care. I think that would be a good episode of “How to get away with Murder.”

Dear Payton,

Does Santa exist? If so, why do I get coal in my stocking when I’ve been perfectly good?

Dear soon to be Santa-Denier,

Proving the existence of Santa Claus is out of my paygrade. However, I can explain why you get coal in your stocking every year if he does exist. We live in a broken world, with broken people. Romans 3:10 states, “none is righteous, no not one.” Therefore, your statement that you have been “perfectly good” is not true. If Santa Clause did exist, every person on the planet would get coal for Christmas since nobody is good. Oh wait, did I just disprove the existence of Santa Claus because of the simple fact that most people do not get coal in their stockings? Yes, yes, I did.

Dear Payton,

How do you get a gift for someone if you have no money?

Dear person who I cannot help,

Just give them one of your used bathroom utensils, they’ll love it.

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